by tyler | Nov 24, 2023 | CNN, health
Children and teens in the United States now get more than two-thirds of their calories from ultraprocessed foods, an analysis of almost two decades worth of data has found.
Ultraprocessed foods – such as frozen pizza, microwave meals, packaged snacks and desserts – accounted for 67% of calories consumed in 2018, up from 61% in 1999, according to research published in the medical journal JAMA Tuesday. The study analyzed the diet of 33,795 children and adolescents nationwide.
While industrial processing can keep food fresher longer and allow some foods to be fortified with vitamins, it modifies food to change its consistency, taste and color to make it more palatable, cheap and convenient – using processes that aren’t used in home-cooked meals. They are also aggressively marketed by the food industry.
“Some whole grain breads and dairy foods are ultra-processed, and they’re healthier than other ultra-processed foods,” said senior author Fang Fang Zhang, a nutrition and cancer epidemiologist at the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University in Boston.
“But many ultra-processed foods are less healthy, with more sugar and salt, and less fiber, than unprocessed and minimally processed foods, and the increase in their consumption by children and teenagers is concerning.”
The information on children’s diets used in the study was collected annually by trained interviewers who asked the children or an adult acting on their behalf to detail what they had eaten in the preceding 24 hours. The information was gathered as part of the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey.
Between 1999 and 2018, the proportion of healthier unprocessed or minimally processed foods decreased from 28.8% to 23.5% of consumed calories, the study found.
The remaining percentage of calories came from moderately processed foods such as cheese and canned fruits and vegetables, and flavor enhancers such as sugar, honey, maple syrup and butter, the study said.
The biggest increase in calories came from ready-to-eat or ready-to-heat meals such as takeout and frozen pizza and burgers: from 2.2% to 11.2% of calories, according to the study. The second largest increase came from packaged sweet snacks and desserts, the consumption of which grew from 10.6% to 12.9%.
The link between child health and ultraprocessed food is complex but one recent study in the United Kingdom found that children who eat more ultraprocessed food are more likely to be overweight or obese as adults.
Experts said the study’s implications for future health were significant given that childhood is a critical period for biological development and forming dietary habits.
“The current food system is structured to promote overconsumption of ultra-processed foods through a variety of strategies, including price and promotions, aggressive marketing, including to youths and specifically Black and Latino youths, and high availability of these products in schools,” wrote Katie Meyer and Lindsey Smith Taillie, both assistant professors in the department of nutrition at the University of North Carolina’ Gillings School of Global Public Health, in a commentary on the study. They were not involved in the research.
There was good news that suggested efforts to tackle consumption of sugary drinks such as soda taxes had been effective: Calories from sugar-sweetened beverages dropped from 10.8% to 5.3% of overall calories.
“We need to mobilize the same energy and level of commitment when it comes to other unhealthy ultra-processed foods such as cakes, cookies, doughnuts and brownies,” said Zhang.
Black, non-Hispanic youths experienced a bigger increase in the proportion of ultra-processed foods in their diet compared to their White counterparts. The study said it did not assess trends in other racial or ethnic groups because of a lack of nationally representative data. However, it noted that Mexican American youths consume ultraprocessed foods at a consistently lower rate, which authors said could reflect more home cooking among Hispanic families.
The education level of parents or family income didn’t have any impact on the consumption of ultraprocessed foods, suggesting that they are commonplace in most children’s diets, the study added.
The authors said their study had some limitations: Asking people to recall what they ate isn’t always an accurate measure of dietary intake. Plus, there is a tendency to under report socially undesirable habits such as consumption of unhealthy food.
In addition, it can be a challenge to accurately classify ultraprocessed food because it requires a full list of ingredients – information unlikely to be given by children answering a questionnaire.
“Better methods for dietary assessment and classification of foods are needed to understand trends and mechanisms of action of ultra-processed food intake,” Mayer and Taillie wrote.
by tyler | Nov 24, 2023 | CNN, health
You had a little too much to drink last night, and now you’re nursing that dreaded morning aftermath — a hangover.
What seemed like fun at the time is now causing your hands to shake, your head to pound and your heart to race, not to mention other unpleasant symptoms such as dizziness, nausea, vomiting, light sensitivity and excruciating thirst.
Why are you suffering? Because the liquor that smoothly passed your lips is now wreaking havoc in your body, causing dehydration, stomach distress and inflammation. These ailments peak about the time all the alcohol leaves your body.
There is no scientifically proven way to cure a hangover, but experts say you can prevent one — or at least keep that morning-after misery to a minimum. Here’s how.
Forget a late-night meal after a night of drinking — that’s much too late, experts say. Instead, eat before your first drink and keep noshing as the night goes on.
“Food in the stomach slows gastric emptying and can reduce hangover symptoms,” said Dr. Robert Swift, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University’s Warren Alpert Medical School in Providence, Rhode Island.
Why does food help? Because most alcohol isn’t absorbed by an empty stomach but via the intestinal tract just below it, Swift said.
“If somebody does shots on an empty stomach, for example, all that pure alcohol is not diluted by the stomach and is passed to the intestine very quickly,” said Swift, who has studied alcohol abuse since the 1990s.
“If the stomach contains food, however, there are gastric juices and enzymes that mix the food and the alcohol, and only small amounts of food are passed into the intestine,” he said. “Now the alcohol is diluted in the stomach, and only a small quantity of alcohol is absorbed at any time.”
The same principle applies to water and other nonalcoholic beverages, Swift said. “If alcohol is mixed with fluid, it’s diluted, so when it goes into your intestines, it’s not as irritating. You’re less likely to have inflamed intestines or an inflamed stomach lining.”
There’s another benefit to downing water between drinks, said Dr. John Brick, former chief of research at the Center of Alcohol Studies, Education and Training Division, at Rutgers University in New Jersey.
“The primary cause of hangovers is dehydration and the loss of fluids, along with vitamins and minerals,” said Brick, who authored “The Doctor’s Hangover Handbook” and published scientific papers on the biobehavioral effects of alcohol and other drugs.
Downing just 3½ alcoholic drinks can result in the loss of up to a quart of water over several hours, Brick added. “That’s a good amount of water that has to be replenished.”
Dehydration from alcohol may affect a woman even more, and she is more likely to suffer a hangover, even if she drinks less than a man, Swift said. That’s because a man has a higher percentage of body water than a woman of the same height and weight, so the same amount of alcohol will be more diluted in a man, he said.
The alcohol we drink, called ethyl alcohol or ethanol, is the byproduct of fermenting carbohydrates and starches, usually some sort of grain, grape or berry.
We use byproducts of fermentation in other ways: Ethanol is added to the gasoline in our cars, and methyl alcohol or methanol — a toxic substance — is used as a solvent, pesticide and alternative fuel source. Also called wood alcohol, methyl alcohol made by bootleggers blinded or killed thousands of people during Prohibition.
That’s not all — the list of byproducts or chemicals added by manufacturers for flavor and taste can read like a list of supplies at an industrial warehouse: ethyl formate, ethyl acetate, n-propanol, isobutanol, n-butanol, isopentanol and isoamyl alcohols. While these congeners, as they are called, are added in small, nontoxic amounts, some people are overly sensitive to their effects.
Overall, dark-colored beer and spirits tend to contain more congeners and thus may be more likely to cause hangovers, experts say. A 2010 study investigated the intensity of hangovers in people who drank the darker-colored liquor bourbon versus clear vodka.
“Congeners in bourbon … significantly increased hangover intensity, which is not too surprising since bourbon has about 37 times the amount of congeners as vodka,” Brick said.
Chemical preservatives called sulfites, known to cause allergic reactions in sensitive people, are also a natural byproduct of fermentation in small quantities. However, many manufacturers of beer and wine add sulfites to their products to extend shelf life. (Sulfites are also added to soda, cereals, sweeteners, canned and ultraprocessed foods, medications and more.)
Sweet and white wines tend to have more sulfites than red, but red wines contain more tannins, which are bitter or astringent compounds found in the skin and seeds of grapes. Like sulfites, tannins can trigger allergic reactions in people who are sensitive.
As a result, limiting your drinking to light beers, clear liquors and white wine might help keep hangovers at bay.
In the end, however, experts say there is only one true preventive — or cure — for a hangover: Don’t drink.
“There’s no simple cure because there are so many complex factors that are producing the multiple symptoms of a hangover,” Swift said. “And that’s why the only real cure for a hangover is to not drink alcohol or drink such a low amount of alcohol that it won’t trigger a hangover.”
• Drinking coffee can speed up recovery
• Electrolytes help
• Drink as much water as you can
We know that alcohol dehydrates, so a headache and other hangover symptoms may be partly due to constricted blood vessels and a loss of electrolytes, essential minerals such as sodium, calcium and potassium that your body needs.
And if you’re a coffee drinker, skipping your morning cup of joe may lead to caffeine withdrawal on top of your hangover.
“If you have a hangover, have a quarter of a cup of coffee,” Brick suggests. “See if you feel better — it takes about 20 minutes for the caffeine to start to have some noticeable effect.
“If coffee doesn’t make you feel better, don’t drink anymore.”
Replacing lost fluids with water or a type of sports drink with extra electrolytes can help boost recovery from a hangover, Swift said.
And while most alcohol is handled by the liver, a small amount leaves the body unchanged through sweat, urine and breathing.
Get up, do some light stretching and walking, and drink plenty of water to encourage urination, Brick said.
“Before you go to sleep and when you wake up, drink as much water as you comfortably can handle,” he said.
by tyler | Nov 24, 2023 | CNN, health
The table is set, friends and family draw near, and you already know what comments or questions are going to come your way.
Maybe the remarks are about food, your weight, money, relationships, career or kids — whatever the topic may be, the position you’re in isn’t unusual.
For many people, the holidays aren’t necessarily the most joyous time — often because we are anticipating conflict or inappropriate interrogation, said Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, a psychologist based in Connecticut.
But instead of silently seething or lashing out, she recommends setting boundaries, she said.
Setting boundaries might seem like the start of a fight, but it’s just a way to communicate what your needs are and what you are OK with, said Kami Orange, a boundary coach based in southern Utah.
Boundaries are hard, though, and it takes some preparation to know how to respond instead of reacting to protect your feelings, Orange added. Here’s how to get started this holiday season.
Step one is to make a plan, said therapist Jennifer Rollin, founder of The Eating Disorder Center in Rockville, Maryland.
Before the get-together, think about what your needs are and what a friend or relative might say that would trigger you, she added.
“Decide in advance, these are comments that are triggering for me, and these are some things that I would say back to it,” Rollin said.
It can also be helpful to identify your goals for the evening, Capanna-Hodge said. You might not be able to help everyone get along, but you can succeed in spending time with your aunt whom you don’t see often or playing with your nephew, she added.
“You’re not going to solve 30 years of family problems on the Thanksgiving table or the Christmas table,” Capanna-Hodge said.
But you can still curb conflict by coming up with a list of safe topics ahead of time to redirect to when the conversation turns to a subject that could be fraught, Capanna-Hodge said. And a preholiday conversation about what you will or won’t talk about can be helpful, too.
Try to be gentle, using “I” statements, like “I can’t talk about this subject when we get together because I get uncomfortable” — that way your response sounds less accusatory, she added.
And don’t be afraid to have a little fun with it. Maybe make a jar that people have to put money in when the taboo topics are mentioned or make a bingo board with your partner or siblings that you can check off with a laugh when someone says something inappropriate, Capanna-Hodge said.
You can download a bingo board here and fill in the blanks with the comments you are anticipating. Or you can screenshot and mark it up on your phone.
Whether critical or well meaning, comments about weight or what’s on your plate can be triggering, Rollin said.
“It’s important to reframe it for yourself and to recognize that the comments people make about food and weight says a lot more about the person commenting than it does about you,” she said. “Often people who themselves are focused on their own bodies and eating patterns are the ones more likely to comment on others.”
You can be direct by saying something like “I get that you’re excited about your diet, but I am working on healing my relationship with food so I’d rather we not talk about it,” Rollin said.
Or you can be more playful when it comes to questions about weight loss with “I’m just thankful that my body does so much for me every day” or “I don’t know. I don’t focus on my weight.”
And if the body-shaming talk continues or you don’t feel comfortable saying something, feel empowered to excuse yourself from the conversation, Rollin said.
With comments about your love life — or lack thereof — Orange said she likes to give two chances to the person inquiring. The first time, she suggests redirecting the conversation to something they like talking about.
The second time, you can use a response like “When I figure it out, I’ll let you know” to indicate indirectly and gently that you don’t want to continue to conversation, Orange said.
If you are talking to someone one-on-one (don’t try this in front of a group), you can attempt to curb future talk on the topic by addressing it directly, she said.
Orange suggests setting a boundary with a phrase like, “I know that your intention was (X) but unfortunately the impact of (Y) made me feel really uncomfortable so in the future can you please not do that.”
For bonus points, redirect them to what they can do instead that is helpful, Orange said.
Remarks about marriage or growing your family can really amp up the pressure, but often they come from a place of love and excitement, Orange said.
Start by redirecting with a nice comment and a new conversation like: “I love how much you love love and you want everyone to be as happily partnered as you are. Remind me, how did you meet Uncle Gary?” she said.
But sometimes, even if the intention is good, the impact hits on a painful point — like if someone asks a person with infertility issues about growing their family.
If you are trying to conceive, start by talking with your partner about how open you want to be and with whom, said Rachel Gurevich, a nurse and fertility writer.
Then you can either stop the conversation short with a direct statement like “I actually don’t want to talk about that” or some humor like “Well, I’m sure you don’t want to know about something that personal,” she said.
Or, if you trust those who are asking, you can open up and ask for the support you need, Gurevich said.
Some people can talk diplomatically about politics, religion and other sensitive topics — some cannot.
But how do you shut down talk that takes it too far?
Sometimes people are looking for an argument, but that doesn’t mean you have to join in, Orange said. When possible, ignore the comments or redirect by breaking out the pie, Capanna-Hodge said.
If you need to address a zealous stance, you can take it head-on with something like “We’re not on the same side of this and I’m sure neither of us is going to change our minds tonight, so why don’t we talk about something else?” Or keep it short: “I see that differently.”
What about if you’ve tried all those statements and you still find yourself not having a good time?
“Sometimes the physical removal of yourself from a situation is the best boundary,” Orange said.
It doesn’t have to be a blowup — you might even decide before to make up an excuse that allows you to leave once it stops being fun, she added.
“Holidays are about connection, and if that connection feels awful, it doesn’t have to happen,” Capanna-Hodge said.
by tyler | Nov 20, 2023 | CNN, health
“I have a couple of spots for anyone who wants to lose 20 pounds by the holidays! No diets, exercise, or cravings!”
Ads for dieting and exercise programs like this started appearing in my social media feeds in early October 2022, often accompanied by photos of women pushing shopping carts full of Halloween candy intended to represent the weight they no longer carry with them.
Whether it’s intermittent fasting or “cheat” days, diet culture is spreading wildly, and spiking in particular among young women and girls, a population group who might be at particular risk of social pressures and misinformation.
The fact that diet culture all over social media targets grown women is bad enough, but such messaging also trickles down to tweens and teens. (And let’s be honest, a lot is aimed directly at young people too.) It couldn’t happen at a worse time: There’s been a noticeable spike in eating disorders, particularly among adolescent girls, since the beginning of the pandemic.
“My mom is obsessed with (seeing) her Facebook friends losing tons of weight without dieting. Is this even real?” The question came from a teen girl who later revealed she was considering hiring a health coach to help her eat ‘healthier’ after watching her mom overhaul her diet. Sadly, the coaching she was falling victim to is part of a multilevel marketing brand that promotes quick weight loss through caloric restriction and buying costly meal replacements.
Is it real? Yes. Is it healthy? Not likely, especially for a growing teen.
Later that week, a different teen client asked about a clean eating movement she follows on Pinterest. She had read that a strict clean vegan diet is better for both her and the environment, and assumed this was true because the pinned article took her to a health coaching blog. It seemed legitimate. But a deep dive into the blogger’s credentials, however, showed that the clean eating practices they shared were not actually developed by a nutritionist.
And another teen, fresh off a week of engaging in the “what I eat in a day” challenge — a video trend across TikTok, Instagram and other social media platforms where users document the food they consume in a particular timeframe — told me she decided to temporarily mute her social media accounts. Why? Because the time she’d spent limited her eating while pretending to feel full left her exhausted and unhappy. She had found the trend on TikTok and thought it might help her create healthier eating habits, but ended up becoming fixated on caloric intake instead. Still, she didn’t want her friends to see that the challenge actually made her feel terrible when she had spent a whole week promoting it.
During any given week, I field numerous questions from tweens and teens about the diet culture they encounter online, out in the world, and sometimes even in their own homes. But as we enter the winter holiday season, shame-based diet culture pressure, often wrapped up with toxic positivity to appear encouraging, increases.
“As we approach the holidays, diet culture is in the air as much as lights and music, and it’s certainly on social media,” said Dr. Hina Talib, an adolescent medicine specialist and associate professor of pediatrics at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in The Bronx, New York. “It’s so pervasive that even if it’s not targeted (at) teens, they are absorbing it by scrolling through it or hearing parents talk about it.”
Social media isn’t the only place young people encounter harmful messaging about body image and weight loss. Teens are inundated with so-called ‘healthy eating’ content on TV and in popular culture, at school and while engaged in extracurricular or social activities, at home and in public spaces like malls or grocery stores — and even in restaurants.
Instead of learning how to eat to fuel their bodies and their brains, today’s teens are getting the message that “clean eating,” to give just one example of a potentially problematic dietary trend, results in a better body — and, by extension, increased happiness. Diets cutting out all carbohydrates, dairy products, gluten, and meat-based proteins are popular among teens. Yet this mindset can trigger food anxiety, obsessive checking of food labels and dangerous calorie restriction.
An obsessive focus on weight loss, toning muscles and improving overall looks actually runs contrary to what teens need to grow at a healthy pace.
“Teens and tweens are growing into their adult bodies, and that growth requires weight gain,” said Oona Hanson, a parent coach based in Los Angeles. “Weight gain is not only normal but essential for health during adolescence.”
The good news in all of this is that parents can take an active role in helping teens craft an emotionally healthier narrative around their eating habits. “Parents are often made to feel helpless in the face of TikTokers, peer pressure or wider diet culture, but it’s important to remember this: parents are influencers, too,” said Hanson. What we say and do matters to our teens.
Take a few moments to reflect on your own eating patterns. Teens tend to emulate what they see, even if they don’t talk about it.
Parents and caregivers can model a healthy relationship with food by enjoying a wide variety of foods and trying new recipes for family meals. During the holiday season, when many celebrations can involve gathering around the table, take the opportunity to model shared connections. “Holidays are a great time to remember that foods nourish us in ways that could never be captured on a nutrition label,” Hanson said.
Practice confronting unhealthy body talk
The holiday season is full of opportunities to gather with friends and loved ones to celebrate and make memories, but these moments can be anxiety-producing when nutrition shaming occurs.
When extended families gather for holiday celebrations, it’s common for people to comment on how others look or have changed since the last gathering. While this is usually done with good intentions, it can be awkward or upsetting to tweens and teens.
“For young people going through puberty or body changes, it’s normal to be self-conscious or self-critical. To have someone say, ‘you’ve developed’ isn’t a welcome part of conversations,” cautioned Talib.
Talib suggests practicing comebacks and topic changes ahead of time. Role play responses like, “We don’t talk about bodies,” or “We prefer to focus on all the things we’ve accomplished this year.” And be sure to check in and make space for your tween or teen to share and feelings of hurt and resentment over any such comments at an appropriate time.
Open and honest communication is always the gold standard in helping tweens and teens work through the messaging and behaviors they internalize. When families talk about what they see and hear online, on podcasts, on TV, and in print, they normalize the process of engaging in critical thinking — and it can be a really great shared connection between parents and teens.
“Teaching media literacy skills is a helpful way to frame the conversation,” says Talib. “Talk openly about it.”
She suggests asking the following questions when discussing people’s messaging around diet culture:
● Who are they?
● What do you think their angle is?
● What do you think their message is?
● Are they a medical professional or are they trying to sell you something?
● Are they promoting a fitness program or a supplement that they are marketing?
Talking to tweens and teens about this throughout the season — and at any time — brings a taboo topic to the forefront and makes it easier for your kids to share their inner thoughts with you.
by tyler | Nov 20, 2023 | CNN, health
Do you believe in the holiday food coma?
Many people do. A mainstay on the dinner table at this time of year, turkey contains tryptophan, which is widely believed to be responsible for the uncontrollable yawns and sudden snoozes common after huge family feasts.
“Tryptophan is an essential amino acid needed to make serotonin, a hormone that has many functions in our body, including balancing mood and sleep,” said sleep specialist Dr. Raj Dasgupta, an associate professor of clinical medicine at the University of Southern California’s Keck School of Medicine.
“The byproduct of the tryptophan-to-serotonin process is melatonin, another hormone that regulates our sleep cycle,” he said. “Our bodies do not naturally produce tryptophan, so we have to get it through the foods we eat.”
However, many foods besides turkey contain tryptophan, including cheese, chicken, egg whites, fish, milk, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, soybeans and sunflower seeds, according to the National Library of Medicine.
Serotonin is one of the “feel-good” hormones, which can calm and relax the body. However, we don’t consume nearly enough turkey during a holiday smorgasbord — even if we go back for seconds — to create the amount of serotonin needed to make us sleepy, said Steven Malin, an associate professor in the department of kinesiology and health at Rutgers University in New Jersey.
To get the amount of tryptophan required to cause a food coma, he said, we’d have to eat about 8 pounds of turkey meat — about half of a typical bird meant to serve a crowd. The US Department of Agriculture recommends planning for 1 pound of turkey meat per person when preparing a holiday meal.
“Tryptophan from turkey is unlikely to enter the brain and make enough serotonin to make us sleepy,” Malin said.
So you can’t blame the gobbler on your table alone for your sudden sleepiness, said sleep specialist Kristen Knutson, an associate professor of neurology and preventive medicine at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine.
“Turkey doesn’t really make us sleepy,” Knutson said. “If we feel sleepy after a big meal, it is likely due to not getting enough sleep in the days leading up to the big event and finally being able to relax after the dinner is over.”
Overeating in general is also a major culprit for the fatigue one feels after eating, Dasgupta said.
“Remember all the delicious side dishes surrounding the centerpiece of turkey, such as sweet potato pie, casseroles and yummy desserts,” he said. “These tasty dishes contain a high amount of carbohydrates, which also contribute to post-meal sleepiness.”
Another reason you feel sleepy after a meal is a change in blood flow from the head to the digestive system.
“Eating a big holiday dinner causes increased blood flow to the stomach to help digest the meal, which results in less blood flow to the brain, making you tired and ready for bed,” Dasgupta said.
And don’t forget the impact of holiday drinking either. Many meals served at this time of year are washed down with wine, cocktails and champagne. Then there’s the omnipresent beer (or two or three) that often accompany the afternoon ball games.
“Let’s be honest. It’s the holidays, and there might be some family stress or travel fatigue, so maybe you drank more than your usual amount,” Dasgupta said. “Alcohol slows down your brain and relaxes your muscles, so after a few drinks you’ll likely feel sleepy.”
by tyler | Nov 17, 2023 | CNN, health
Friendships aren’t just about those you sit with on the school bus or play alongside on your childhood baseball team — they are a core component of the human experience, experts say.
But making and retaining deep, meaningful friendships as an adult is hard, especially for men, according to research.
Less than half of men report being satisfied with their friendships, and only about 1 in 5 said they had received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared with 4 in 10 women, according to a 2021 survey from the Survey Center on American Life.
The falling off of friendships between men begins around middle and late adolescence and grows starker in adulthood, said Judy Yi-Chung Chu, who teaches a class on boys’ psychological development at Stanford University. And those who do maintain friendships with other men say they tend to have lower levels of emotional intimacy than women report.
“Boys don’t start emotionally disconnected; they become emotionally disconnected,” said Dr. Niobe Way, a researcher and a professor of applied psychology at New York University.
All humans have the innate capacity and desire for close, emotionally intimate connections with others. We need these relationships for survival as babies and then to thrive as we get older, Chu said.
Research has shown close friendships protect our mental and physical health, she added. And men who prioritize those relationships are fighting off one of the most harmful things to human health — loneliness, said Dr. Frank Sileo, a psychologist based in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
“What (men) are at risk of losing is this sense of not being alone in the world or not being alone in their experience,” Sileo said. Research has shown “disclosure of emotional distress improved (men’s) emotional well-being, increased feelings of being understood and resulted in less reported loneliness,” he added.
Just as many men strive to eat right, exercise, succeed in their careers and raise children, men should prioritize developing friendships as adults, he said.
When Sileo first began conducting research on male friendships in 1995, many participants assumed his survey was about homosexuality, he said. Such stereotypes that male bonding would be, or become, sexual in nature are inaccurate but revealed some of what may be holding some men back from deep friendships, he added.
Assumptions nearly 30 years later might be different, but social pressures remain that make it difficult for men to express the vulnerability and intimacy needed for close friendships, Sileo said.
We are all born with two sides of ourselves: the hard side that is stoic and independent and the soft one that is vulnerable and interdependent, said Way, author of “Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection.”
The hard side has been characterized as masculine and inherently preferable, and the soft side has been seen as feminine and lesser than, Way said.
Boys receive messages that growing up and “manning up” mean shedding that soft side — a mindset that neuroscience, social science and developmental psychology all show is harmful to them, Way said.
“We gender relationships as feminine,” Chu said. “If that’s a feminine thing, it becomes a weakness or a liability if (men) admit to needing friendships.”
Characterizing the gender of these experiences has a clear impact, Sileo said. Men who were more emotionally restricted, focused on power and who scored high on surveys measuring homophobia are less likely to have intimate and close friendships, he said.
And the drive to toughen up and never show vulnerability that restricts men from friendships can lead them to loneliness, violence and anger, Way said.
“We live in a culture that clashes with our nature,” she said. “If we raise children to go against their nature, we shouldn’t be surprised if some of those children grow up to struggle.”
Heterosexual men seeking closeness might turn to those they see as better at building relationships and feel comfortable exploring their vulnerability with: the women in their lives and their romantic partners, Way said.
It may seem like a good solution, but it works neither for the men nor the women they look to, Sileo said.
Putting everything on a romantic partner can strain a relationship, he said, whether it is going to a female partner exclusively for emotional support or depending on her to cultivate friendships and get-togethers for holidays and weekends.
It is crucial to have multiple people to go to for support for different perspectives, Chu added.
“(Men) need to know it’s not just a woman thing,” she said. “They need to know that men can do it, too.”
Community is important, and keeping struggles, questions and concerns with one person or one relationship doesn’t always provide the best help to see them through, Way said.
“A male partner thinks it’s betrayal to talk to another person,” Way said, “but the female partner is saying, ‘Please do it, please get other perspectives.’”
If you are wishing you had close friendships or that the ones you have went deeper, experts say it’s OK to start small.
You don’t even have to disclose your own vulnerabilities at first, Chu said.
“A very powerful place to start is listening and asking real questions,” she said. “All people love when they can trust that this situation is safe and that someone is genuinely interested in them.”
The key is to move beyond banter and general niceties and ask questions you find meaningful, such as what friends like about their jobs or what happens to their feelings after breakups, Way said. Don’t worry. It’s not rude to do so. Most people report wanting to be asked these questions, she said.
Each relationship has its own rules and protocol, and it’s good to work within these, Sileo said. You might start asking something of a friend and find that person is hesitant to talk about it, Chu said. If this is the case, you can jump in and offer your own vulnerability by talking about how that topic might be bothering you or how you’ve been thinking about it.
Sometimes the rules of the relationship might mean avoiding the vulnerability of sitting face-to-face, Sileo said.
In those cases, find an activity such as the gym, work or a community project where you can connect side by side through a shared purpose, Sileo added.
And if you need to build friendships from scratch, follow the lead of the women in your life and ask someone to grab coffee or a bite to eat, Way said.
Putting in time, effort and intention is the key, Sileo said. Showing up and spending time is crucial to building those important friendships.
“Quality counts here,” he said. “If you can have a handful of friends that are quality, that’s better than having a slew of friends.”
