Why am I writing more than I used to write?

A year ago my wife and I were happily posting content online and then a few events happened.

There’s a large phase where I was posting pictures of my family and regularly updating everyone. I’m a new dad. I’m trying to also be a responsible parent and not over share my children online. However more than anything I’m proud and that was why I shared content about my family online.

There was a time where my wife and I talked a lot about sharing content online. Mostly it was me talking about the negative side effects I’m facing due to being on social media. I wrote about taking 30 days off of facebook, and since then I’ve made Facebook work for me.

Back in the day sharing content online felt like the right thing to do, however after two significant life events, I don’t feel sharing things online is as important as I thought.

Sharing content online is important. It helps many with feeling connected in this new realm of tech capability. We are using features generated in code that help us connect and often we don’t think of negative side effects until something happens.

I will share one event in particular. My wives dog was pulled through a fence and bottom jaw broke. My wife and son saw everything. Every minute of this day plays in my head a little differently each day. PTSD from this event has rattled through our home and now feels as if it’s leaving in a similar fashion. Although once you research PTSD, you learn it never really leaves, and it’s always here. This event taught me a lot about how I’m feeling about other life events. It taught me that there’s hope for the way I’m thinking and there’s people who are getting help. The thought that people can seek help was worth a lot. Understanding there’s an algorithm to success beyond life events made things feel right.

My son does not wake up randomly scared or upset. Always telling me his dreams are frightening. He is not having dreams about the event. I know because I ask. He’s very smart  and good about communicating what’s happening around him and explains how he feels. I thank my wife for making this possible by researching what’s good and bad for children.

I also am able to get to bed a little earlier than usual. Staying up late and letting negative things impact you will eventually result in losing so much sleep that a lot starts to happen. I’ve always had trouble getting to bed in a decent amount of time and this event has generated another layer to the problem.

I learned staying up late is a great way to really sit in your feelings. Also gaming at night has always been my preference. However with children you don’t get a chance to sleep in and that means you have to find a balance. My new balance is “just go to bed.”

If you have feelings and you want to face them, staying up late to face them really does appear to be a viable option. Also, getting rest regularly will benefit you too. I don’t want to tell people to avoid the darkness that is their brain on lack of sleep. A lot comes from this gray area of life and I’ve meditated on it long enough. Now, I’m at a point where I realize if I don’t get rest then I’m not moving at the same tempo.

Writing as much as I am right now is to help me get back into doing something that helped me escape needing a full time job. That’s important to me because I need to be more available to my family.

The horrible accident that happened to my wives dog Charlie really reshaped the way I think about making content and for awhile I had a lot of trouble writing anything that felt worth sharing. Even now I feel my content falls into a dark and painful writing style that I don’t always agree with and my draft content is massive and fueled with something I’m not able to explain yet.

Charlies accident didn’t bother me as much as seeing it get to my family in the moment got to me. That’s the thing that has lasted the longest. Seeing it get to them and seeing it get to them after the fact. This stopped me from wanting to write anything or create anything.

I had trouble going to meetings, was never sure what was going to happen anymore in my home, and covid19 hasn’t exactly made things easy.

I’ve since been able to get back into meetings and even work new client engagements.

During that time it was interesting, we had client engagement, who went ghost after working us for weeks, plus constantly scheduling meetings and never showing up, then excusing the fact that they are unable to show up, and now believes they owe us zero dollars. This engagement really helped us understand that there’s a certain kind of client we are after and clients who believe they can work us per hour and not pay any money for that time are not the ideal people to work with as “clients.”

I’ve learned you can expense these clients, and also take them to small claims court. However you can also get sued and that can cost more than the engagement. With that said, be mindful freelancing and living your life. Life events happen, often it can impact us and our ability to continue doing what we love doing. It’s cool to get back on the horse, and fail, plus it’s cool to keep trying.

This is me trying. My goal is to really keep after writing, even if it’s not that great, and continue sharing what I want to share in the moment.